THE NORM SHOW: Laurie vs Denby
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: Laurie accidently finds herself at odds with the boss, and when a potential firing comes about, Norm must actually do something besides dressing his weiner dog. There is no category, so it's in crossovers.
1. Chapter 1

**The Norm Show: "Laurie vs. Denby"**

Laurie sits at her desk, eating.  
"Oh, Norm – you got to try these poppy-seed bagels I got from the new health food store. They got no fat, no trans fat, no sugar, and only 90 calories!"  
"No thanks, I already had card board this morning."  
"More for me then," she replies.  
Norm fiddles with some papers on his desk in an attempt to look busy. Denby walks in, grey suit and baker boy cap on.  
"Norm, can I talk to you?" in a somewhat measured tone of displeasure.  
"No habla English."  
"Last night I went to a bar to have a drink."  
"I see, and you're an alcoholic. I'm gonna suggest what Mr. Curtis suggested: why don't you take some time off. Oh, and also – _stop drinking_."  
"Trite and tawdry jokes aide, you know what happened to me?" raises his eyebrows and leans in briefly.  
"You got plastered?"  
"I got _kicked_," Denby annunciates the last word.  
"You must be a hell of a mean drunk, sir."  
"On the rear. And you know why? Because there was a sign telling people to."  
"Hey – at least people are obeying the signs," replies Norm.  
"But that's not all it said. Apparently it fully read: kick me if you want hot gay sex. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you Norm?"  
"Hot gay sex, sir? Nah, I've never been one of the homosexual accord."  
"And you know what happened?"  
"Don't ask, don't tell, sir," Norm toys with Denby.  
"Anyway, what happened is irrelevant, but ... but what's going to happen now ... is a whole other cup-of-tea, let me tell you _that_, compadre."  
"Look, if it's any conciliation, I make so many of those it was just pure chance you'd go to a bar the same night as that one."  
"Officially, since I didn't catch you in the act and because it would cost too much to finger print the paper, I'm going to hand over the new case file to you," hands norm the folder.  
Opens and reads it, then looks plainly at Denby, "Joseph Didly. That sounds like a fun guy."  
"Mr. Didly has an unnatural fear of using the restroom alone."  
"So I got to go with him to the can once or twice, no big deal."  
"_AND_ an overactive bladder. I hope this doesn't ... _piss_ you off," laughs giddily, but stops when he notices everyone is starring and not laughing along, "back to work!" he commands and storms off into his office.  
Danny walks over to Norm's desk; norm works non-chalantly.  
Danny speaks, "You know, we should really be recording this for some kind of Greatest Hits tape."  
Laurie chimes in, "As interesting and mentally exciting as you two exchanges are, one of these days Mr. Denby's gonna put his foot down on you."  
"Old wrinkly foot," Danny air elbows Norm.  
"Probably be in a Snoopy slipper," says Norm.  
"Maybe you should try being friends with him," suggests Laurie.  
"Can't that wait until Hell freezes over?" replies Norm.  
"Hey – I'm just suggesting," puts her arms out briefly, "one of these days I may not be here to defend you."  
"Who are you, My Cousin Vinny? I can defend myself just fine."  
"Okay, but don't come crying to me next time you punch the boss."  
"Hey! That was only one time! He said hockey was for large Neanderthals overcompensating for the lack of stick size."  
"Too bad you hit him in the back and only popped that disc back in place," ads Danny.  
"I choose not to recall it that way. Look, I'm sure nothing bad will happen for the rest of the day."

...  
Norm signs some papers and puts them into a tan folder. He then puts it into an appropriate tray and get up.  
"Four times in one hour; they should call that guy Joe Piddly. Well, that's it for me, you guys take care," and as he slips his light jacket on while heading to the officer door, Denby bolts at him.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Leaving for the day; it's five 'till."  
"No, what did you just put into your pocket there?" questions Denby.  
"My right hand. You know – man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long, sir."  
"Ah-ah-ah – I saw you put a pen in there!"  
"Oh, this one?" pulls out a pen.  
"Did you sign any papers requesting permission to take the pen from the premises?"  
"No."  
"Then that's stealing."  
"I wasn't stealing. I was just going to give Mr. Bic here a temporary new home. That's what all good social workers do, right?"  
"Taking office supplies is expressly forbad, unlawful and punishable by a fine and time in jail."  
"Now, come on, sir – even you can't be serious."  
"I am," pulling off his glasses in what fails to be a dramatic attempt. He fumbles to put them back on.  
"So ... what? Are you gonna call _CHiPs_ on me?"  
"Ah, of course not. That would be too harsh."  
"Oh, harsh is such an unfitting word, sir. Asshole is a more appropriate one if you ask me."  
"I'm getting off for the day-"  
"I'll say," Norm say just low enough to not be heard by Denby.  
"-myself, but tomorrow you are to report here on time to receive your punishment."  
"What are you going to do, spank me?" moves in closer to Denby and mocks, "Admit it – you'd like that just a little..."  
"Just be here," and Denby tugs at his overcoat, then turns and leaves.  
Norm sighs and turns to look at his office mates.  
"Ummm ... these poppy-seed bagels are delicious," says Laurie, purposefully ignoring Norm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Norm re-enters the office with Joseph Didly.

"Now, Mr. Didly, I don't mind so much the following you into the bathroom, but … next time – don't make eye contact with me when you're doing it."

"Sorry."

"Just wait in the office while I get those papers, all right?" pats Didly on the back.

"Okay," and Didly heads into the counseling room.

Norm walks over to Laurie and asks, "Has he asked for me yet?"

"Not yet."

"It's almost noon; what's he waiting for, the second Ice Age?"

"Maybe Mr. Denby's enjoying it in some kind of non sexual perverted way," comments Danny.

"He's just trying to get you all uppity and worried. It's an intimidation tactic. The key is to let him know subtlety, that you are not intimidated."

"Subtlety, eh?

"There's a pocket dictionary on your desk," says Laurie.

"I know what it means," roll his eyes, "now, if you'll excuse me – I got to go look up a completely unrelated word," and walks to his desk.

Denby's office door opens and he steps out partially, "Norm Henderson, please report to my office."

"If I'm not back in 15 minutes, I want you to come in there guns blazing and fists roaring. Or a stapler, if you're not busy," and walks over. He enters the office.

"Close the door, Norm."

Norm does so, and shouts, "I am not intimidated!"

Denby blows right by it as though he had not heard it.

"Okay, what do I got to do? Tighten you cover bun, powder your liver spots…"

"This morning the cleaning staff informed me they found a crack rock in the bathroom."

"_A_ rock? That's nothing, why – I bet in your day, sir, you could buy entire bushels of crack for 50 cents and still have enough left over to see a movie."

"As much of a do-little pain in the posterior you are, I don't believe you do crack."

"Nah, I don't make that kind of money here."

"Well, obviously everyone in the office is going to have to be tested."

"I see, and you want me to administer the tests," says norm.

Laughs in an almost snorting way, "I wouldn't put you in charge of urinal cakes; I'll be handling the testing aspect. Your job will be to fire the individual once he or she has been weeded out."

"_**Weed**_ them out? That's _**crack**_ them up. Get it? Crack them up."

Denby adjusts his glasses, "Yes, that unendlessly hilarious. Now I want you to go out there and inform them they'll be drug tested before the end of the day," he slips on his overcoat ands hat, "I called early this morning and had the Health Department have a box of test kits prepared; I'm going to go pick them up," opens his office door and walks out, heading toward the doors out of the office.

It suddenly occurs to Norm just as the double doors swing shut, "Oh, sir! You forgot you broomstick!"

"What happened? Did he turn green? Did his eyes go black?" asks Danny.

"Any monkeys fly out of his butt?" asks Laurie.

"Listen everybody. That includes you, deaf Mary," says Norm.

No one quiets up.

"You realize this air of disrespect was created by you," says Laurie.

"I'm sure if I ask nicely, they'll all listen," turns to face the other office personnel, "can I please have all of your attention."

Laurie smirks and look at Norm, "That worked about as wel as New Coke."

"Hey, I got an idea: why don't you go beat them all into submission," replies Norm.

"Relax, I got this," says Danny, "The method is tried & true. BOOBIES!" he yells.

Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at them. A lone guy on a phone in the sudden silence comments, "I'll call you back – boobies."

"Oh, you just missed them. Laurie flashed her boobies."

"What?!" Laurie spouts.

"but while I got your attention, Denby has told me to inform you that all of you will be drug tested today. Excuse me, but I suddenly have to go to the bathroom," and darts off out the double doors and into the hall. He stands there, thinking what the Hell he'll do next.

Laurie quietly comes through the doors, "Did you say drug tested?" in a quiet voice while approaching Norm.

"Apparently the cleaning crew has ethics; who knew."

"I can't take the test – I'll fail."

"How's that?"

"Those poppy-seed bagels; haven't you ever heard? They test positive for opium, because of the seeds."

"Well, you said one day you wouldn't be here for me; now if looks like it'll be 1,825 days, ay?"

"Norm, what am I going to do? I like my job; I enjoy helping others. It puts a smile on my face at the end of each day to know I may have helped change someone's life for the better."

Norm stands there, eying her strangely, "There may be something wrong with you."

"Norm – pee in a cup for me!"

"Wha – I can't."

"Why not? I'd pee in a cup for you!"

"Well, for one: I had a couple beers for lunch, and second: I'm not sure that's the kind of thing friends are supposed to do for each other."

"Maybe I can post pone it."

"Nah, he said they definitely gotta be done today."

"What do I do?"

Norm thinks for a second, "Hey I got it! Mr. Didly can pee in a cup for you. His file shows he's drug & alcohol free."

"That's great. Where is he?"

"Oh! He's still waiting in the counseling room. Good lord, he probably has to pee like the devil," and hurries back into the office.

"Everything all right out there?" asks Danny, concerned.

Without thinking, "Nothing someone else's urine won't fix. Damnit," and keeps walking.

Danny speaks to Laurie as she approaches her desk, "This is one of those things I probably shouldn't know about, right?"

"It's for the best."

…

Norm closes the door to the counseling room.

"Ah, Mr. Didly, I just got off the phone with Gerry's Subs; they said they'll hire you, but first they need you to pee in this metallic, thermo-sealed coffee holder. It's for the drug test."

"Okay."

"Just make sure to recap it afterwards. Come on, I'll take you to the bathroom," and he takes Didly's hand out of habit and they head to the men's bathroom out in the hall.

Norm speaks, "Now remember -- we talked about this: going alone will be your first step, all right?"

"And you'll be outside the door the whole time?" asks Didly.

Laurie continues to peak out the double doors.

"As god as my witness."

"Okay," and he enters the bathroom.

Norm immediately heads for the double doors.

"I thought you said, _'As god as my witness'_?"

"Yeah, and he's witnessing it for me," he walks to his desk, Laurie in tow.

"What I'll do is put the coffee holder in one of the ceiling tiles of the handicap stall."

"In the women's room," Laurie makes sure.

"Right, good thinking. Do me a favor and go knock on the door periodically to let him think I'm there."

"All right, but I draw the line at going in," she walks off.

Norm picks up the phone receiver on his desk, "Hello, Gerry? Yeah, norm. Listen, I need ya to give this guy a job. He doesn't drink, smoke or none of that."

…

Laurie knocks on the door and in a low voice, imitating Norm, "Good job there, pal."

Norm enters the hall.

"Everything is going to plan. Though I didn't plan any of this; really, I'm just making it up as I go along."

"Norm, if this doesn't work, we're both gonna be in big trouble."

"Relax, I'm sure _nothing_ bad will happen."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The next day. Denby approaches Laurie's desk with a paper in his left hand.

"Ahhh, Laurie, I've been reviewing your test results and after careful evaluation it appears you are a man."

There must be some mistake. Perhaps you are reading it wrong."

Norm blurts out, "sir, why didn't you tell us about you illiterateness?!"

"The sampling found no traces of estrogen, high levels of testosterone, and … and semen!"

"I, ah-"

"Look, sir, Laurie didn't want to tell anyone, but she has a penis."

"A what – what are you prattling on about?"

"She's a hermaphrodite; born with both parts. I'm sure she wanks it just like any other guy."

"There's no use in covering it up, faking a drug test is grounds for dismissal. Norm, I can't afford to compare her urine results to your own, but I'm sure they'd be a match. You're like two peas on a crocked, plotting pod," gets an evil look, "you know what to do."

"Geez, Laurie, I'm sorry but I gotta fire you there."

"You heard Norm. Pack your stuff up and be out this afternoon."

"No."

"No?!" Denby almost stutters.

"I'm not leaving."

"But, bu – you have to; he fired you."

"I'm gonna go over you head and ask the higher ups for a retest."

"Over my head? But I'm so close to retirement, I can almost _taste_ it," makes a fist in wishful thinking, "I knew when I took this job that you were going to be trouble."

Norm interjects, "I liked Mr. Curtis more. Also, his oldest daughter was hot in bed."

"Fine, you take that test. But know this: so much as one drop of testosterone and you're fired. Consider this whole office one giant floor of eggshells, missy," and he struts off to his office, shutting the door hard.

"Norm, what do I do? The poppys are still in my system!"

"You're eating one right now!"

"See, and they're that good!" almost crying as she takes another bite.

"Poppys? Is this what the whole thing is about? They don't count anything 3,000ng or below to avoid false positives," says Danny.

"What's an _"ng"_?" asks Norm.

"I have no idea," says Danny, "I read it in Wikipedia."

"Anyway, see there? Dr. Danny Sanchez to the rescue."

"That's great, but now he has it out for me."

"As god as my witness, I won't let you get fired. Who'll protect me and come to my rescue when I accidentally glue his ass to the toilet?"

"I will," says Danny.

"I mean someone with clout."

"Oh."

"I got it. Everyone huddle together so we can scheme."

They do so.

"Not you, Carl," a worker backs away from the huddle.

…

…

The next day. Denby passes Laurie's desk.

"Oh, Laurie – how's that multiple personality case going?"

She sarcastically replies, "Just fine, sir."

"Hum. Good. Cary on," he walks away cocky.

"What's up with that?" asks Norm.

"Yesterday Denby assigned me this guy with three personalities and insisted I see him that day."

"The good, the bad, and the ugly?"

"In this case all of them are bad. Three distinct personalities and each one is a horny chauvinist."

"Well, don't worry," norm looks at his wrist watch, "in precisely five minutes, Danny will come waltzing through – Danny!"

"Hey, Norm. A little excited this morning, aren't you?"

"You're early; I thought we synchronized our watches yesterday."

"The batteries died."

"Some spy you are. You make James Bond cry," points at Danny; Danny looks behind himself. "Did you at least remember to bring it?"

"Right here," Danny pats the Voltron lunch box he holds up

"Good, now go in there and make me proud. So proud that I forget you have a Voltron lunch box," pats Danny on the back as he walks passed Norm and to Denby's office door.

Danny knocks.

"Enter."

Danny opens and closes the doors behind him.

"Oh, it's you. If you're here to testify on the behalf of your friend, don't bother. Unless of course you would _**like**_ for your job to be harder."

"No, sir, that's not why I'm here at all."

"Its norm, isn't it? You three are like Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Ohhh, but pretty soon there's going to be the death of one of you."

"Nah, Norm sets a bad example. I've worked here for many years and I feel his lack of respect and ethics has undermined the integrity of this office as a whole."

"That's right – that's precisely right. And it's like he doesn't get that," says Denby.

"Mental retardation, sir."

"Pft, well, of course."

"I feel we started one the wrong foot and to show my appreciation of you authority, I spent hours last night making these for you," Danny sets the lunch box on the desk and opens it.

"Brownies!"

"Fudge brownies."

"I love fudge! How long did this take you?" asks Denby.

"A couple hours or more."

"Per, perhaps I misjudged you, Sanchez. To spend that much time and money on me; that's speaks a lot of your character."

"Well, it's not often my character gets to speak these days."

"You know, when it comes time to write your year end review, if this is any indication of your future doings, I have a feeling said review will be absolutely luminescent."

"If you'll excuse me, I have important social work to do."

"Why, yes – please do. And thank you again."

"It was no problem," and he leaves, smiling, from Denby's office.

"Well?" asks Norm.

"The eagle has landed."

"Excellent, Operation Desert Storm has commenced," replies norm.

"Yes!" Laurie claps her hands together, "now what?"

"Now we wait. Also, we compliment me on my fantastic plan."

…

…

Later that day. Denby exits his office and walks over with a swagger.

"I just got a call from _**my**_ boss informing me he'll be here any minute to personally conduct the re-test. Well, Miss Freeman, I guess you've won. Or have you? You see – when he gets here, I'm going to tell him you faked your original test and being as everyone else's came back negative, that only leaves one culprit."

"Right – you, sir," says Norm.

"That's preposterous. I haven't taken drugs since my youth."

"Did you enjoy those brownies?" asks Danny.

"They were quite good, thank you, Danny."

"Your son made them," says norm.

"My what?" off guard.

"You remember his secret ingredient, don't you?" asks norm.

"Henderson, when I get threw with you, you won't see the _**sun**_ for four years!"

"I don't think so, sir. You see, I have it on good word that you likes the crack."

"My word," says Laurie," and if you want my silence, you better keep quiet about the test taking and don't even think about reprimanding your son."

"And give me a glowing year-end review," Danny butts in quietly.

"And his review better be sparkling," says Laurie.

"You wouldn't _**dare**_?"

"We would. Norm?" says Laurie.

"And just remember, that if you ever change you mind, some more of that secret ingredient might find it's way into you coffee, or your lunch, and what not."

"I'm being blackmailed by the three stooges!"

"He's coming!" Didly pops into the office via the double doors.

"Excellent, Mr. Didly, now go wait in the office for me, and try not to piss on the couch."

"Okay."

"My lips are at the ready; just try me," says Laurie.

"You – all of you: you'll live to regret this!"

"Max Denby?

"Ah, yes Mr. Coswell?" _(I imagine played by Robert Picardo)_

"You said there was something you needed to tell me."

"Ah, ah … eh. I mixed Laurie Freeman's test bottles with another employee. A fact I didn't discover until a few minutes ago."

"I see. I mix man and women up all the time. You do understand that was sarcasm I just implemented?"

"Yes, Mr. Coswell."

"Had to make sure. Not certain of you anymore.

Miss Freeman, please follow me," he escorts her out into the hall, toward the restrooms.

"You – geh … I – I don't even have the words."

"We love you and your illiteracy too, sir."

"I'm going home for the day," he walks to his office, opens the door, puts his overcoat and hat on, then locks the door and checks it, "good luck with Mr. Didly!" and leaves.

On the back of his overcoat is a taped note reading: ask me about hot gay sex for fun & profit!

"We did it! I didn't think it would work!" exclaims Danny.

"Never doubt a master, my friend. Did they doubt Aristotle when he said the Earth was round?"

"Yes," says Danny.

"Did they doubt Darwin when he created the theory of evolution?"

"Yes."

"Anyway, that's not important. What's important is that I was right. This calls for a round of gloating."

"Let me check and see if my schedule is open," says Danny.

"Good lord you're getting cocky for a bald man."

"Bite me," he says triumphantly.

Laurie comes running in, Coswell behind.

"I passed!"

"That's great" says Norm.

"A little opium from poppy seeds, but nothing to get your knickers in a twist about. Where did Denby go?" asks Coswell.

"Home for the day," says Danny.

"Hum, leaving the office unattended early. There's another mark. Let this be a warning to you all that management won't tolerate illegal drugs. Good day," and Coswell leaves.

"So … who was doing crack?"

"I guess we'll never know," says norm.

"Not you, right?" asks Laurie.

"No. I saved you butt and this is the thanks I get?"

She pats him on the back and walks off smiling.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"So Mr. Didly, how's that going to the bathroom alone stuff going?"

"Great."

"That's fantastic to hear," replies norm.

"If it wasn't for that crack you got me, I'd have never found the confidence to do it!"

"Just don't make subs with it."

…

**THE END**


End file.
